Imitating the God Who Holds Our Hands
Author: Abigail Robert
August 12, 2024
“I think I’m going to die soon,” Robin said as she clutched at my scrubs. She continued, “The funny thing is that people die, and they don’t come back to tell you how it is! HA!” Robin gave out a cathartic laugh and took my hand in hers. A smile spread across her face, even as she continued describing the new, dark, and ominous feeling she was experiencing, the feeling that death was near.
Her last remark was, “Well, there’s nothing my mother can do for me now, is there? Ha-ha!” Robin looked off into the distance deliriously, but she continued to hold fast to my hand.
While I was working as an elder caregiver at an assisted living home, conversations like this one were common. Naturally, not everyone was as humorous as Robin. However, I noticed a consistent trend across the board. A resident commonly used what little strength he or she had to reach for my hand. Why is the simple act of handholding so powerful in the context of end-of-life care?
First, handholding creates a sense of agency for someone dying. We cannot prevent our deaths. As hard as we try to stay healthy and youthful, none of us can stop the effects of aging or illness. With dying come uncontrollable hurdles: restricted movement, minimal interaction, body aches, possibly delirium and memory loss. It is easy to feel a lack of autonomy. Within the shackles of a failing body, handholding creates a sense of agency, as the act of holding on is an act of agency itself. Accomplishing such a physical task in a debilitated state can boost morale. In addition, handholding provides an avenue for expression. For instance, even though someone dying may not be able to give a grandchild a tight squeeze or a spouse a goodbye kiss, handholding communicates many positive feelings, such as romantic and familial love.
Second, handholding provides a sense of peace. As a person dies, he or she will often wail. The cause for the wailing is mysterious, but it presumably indicates a search for some form of peace. Handholding can provide the peace that a dying individual seeks, at least for a time. Through handholding, the end-of-life individual feels at peace because he or she has the assurance of not being alone. The dying can face the scary reality of death while still holding onto something they know: another human hand. The sense of familiarity provided through the touch of human flesh may provide the dying person with courage to face the unknown.
Third, handholding provides closure for family members. When someone is dying, friends and family can witness many things that are strange to their eyes, such as an extended period of unconsciousness. During these periods, friends and family may question whether the dying can sense their presence. Questions such as the following can become all consuming: “Will he be able to understand how much I care about him?” or “Will she be able to hear me?” There is no definitive answer to these questions, making it difficult to persevere.
My grandmother was in this state before she passed away, surrounded by her children. Other than occasionally tilting her head long after being asked a question, she showed no signs of awareness. No one could know for sure what she could perceive or what she wanted. Yet her children huddled around her in the hospital room and grasped her hands.
Right before passing away, my grandmother squeezed my aunt’s hand. Now this squeeze may have been nothing but an involuntary action of her muscle cells. Yet, when I asked my aunt how she felt about being so close to her mother at her death, she said, “When she squeezed my hand, it was like she was telling me goodbye.”
Even though the experience was extremely difficult, my aunt rejoices that she was present. My aunt lives with the assurance that she did what she could to support her mom. Despite not being able to interact, holding her hand gave my aunt the closure she needed to say goodbye properly.
Fourth, holding the hand of your loved one is a means for him or her to receive God’s grace. While reading Scripture and praying are essential, the additional act of handholding creates a tangible microcosm of a greater spiritual reality. The image of God holding those He loves with His righteous right hand is all over Scripture.
For instance, Isaiah 41:10 says, “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” In Matthew 14, Jesus grasps His sinking disciple Peter and lifts him above the waves.
Our Creator is a God who holds hands. Being made in His image, we desire to hold hands, too—not just on third dates, when it’s time to cross the street, or when greeting someone with a smile, but when the waters of death close in on us and we need someone’s hand to carry us through.
No, a human hand cannot carry someone through death. We cannot save our dying loved ones, but we can remind them to take Jesus’ hand by giving them our own. Our hand points them to the truer, more beautiful and brilliant hand ready to carry them into eternal life.
Abigail Robert is studying Classical Studies and Biosciences at Rice University in Houston, Texas. She is an experienced memory care caregiver currently researching Patient Priorities Care at UTHealth Houston to enhance eldercare. She is author of Forget Me Not: Memories of a Memory Caregiver.
Image: Public. Domain: https://garystockbridge617.getarchive.net/amp/media/jesus-and-peter-on-the-water-by-gustave-brion-d6e3b1).
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